Slightly Altered Lyrics

The Last of the Vikings

My home's on the ocean
Where I go she will carry me
Free, ever free when I'm at sea
'Neath mast and yard I live and dream
We're the last of the Vikings

On a fair summer's morning
There under the mountains high
Everyone gave their goodbye
Leaving fjord and folks behind
We'll sail with the tide
Like seagulls will fly
We're the last of the Vikings
We're the last of the Vikings

The wind, he is our master
He'll break us or let us float
In a fervent struggle for our boat
We stand as one, we don't lose hope
We'll sail with the tide
Like seagulls will fly
We're the last of the Vikings

Lost out there in the distance
Where ocean and heaven blend
In a mist of blue and violet
There's a land no man's laid eyes on yet
We'll sail with the tide
Like seagulls will fly
We're the last of the Vikings
We're the last of the Vikings
The last of the Vikings
The last of the Vikings



Worked on:
2001



Mr. Slow

You know, I've waited all my life, my friend
Even though the story has no end
All your friends they call you Mr. Slow
Is that right?
Is it right?

If I could dream my life each day, I would
Never tried to learn, just understood
That your life goes faster if you're slow
Is it right?
It's our plight.

I'm watching my life fade away
Each second lasts more than each day
I have said all I know, all I want, to say

I only want to know what I can see
In the other world waiting to be
There's a password just for Mr. Slow
It's all right.
It's all right.

I'm watching my life fade away
If only you'd come home to stay
There is just nowhere for people to go
Where is the time Mr. Slow?

I'm searching for time I once had
Each second lasts more than a day
I have said all I know, all I want, to say.



Worked on:
2008



Union Silver

Look at her my friends say, pointing down the road
You can tell by how she looks she wears a heavy load
So we stood and watched her, didn't say a word
But she must have read our thoughts,
For this is what we heard

Union Silver has taken my whole life
From my tears to the sixty years of wearing brown
Lord have mercy on me
It's been so hard for me
Fading hopes fall once more on the ground

Union Silver is gone before its made
And I can feel my shoes won't wear the winter cold
Can you tell me my friend,
where it's all gonna to end?
Cause Union Silver doesn't want to know
Oh Lord oh.

Then we walked on by her, leaving her alone
Not a word was spoken as we made our way back home
Till this day I see her, see her standing there
A mining town, a miners wife,
With coal dust in her hair

Union Silver has taken my whole life
From my tears to the sixty years of wearing brown
Lord have mercy on me
Life's been so hard on me
Fading hopes fall once more underground

Union Silver is gone before its made
And I can feel my shoes won't wear the winter cold
Can you tell me my friend,
where it's all gonna to end?
Cause Union Silver doesn't want to know
Oh Lord no

Union Silver



Worked on:
2013



Helen And Cassandra

According to the myths and legends
At the fringes of our memory
Paris stole the queen of Sparta
And carried her across the sea
As they fled he never dreamt
That he held their fate all the more
Helen, one thousand ships sailing to war
Helen, one thousand ships sailing to war

From Mycenae comes Agamemnon
And the Greeks of the city-states
Laden with their bronzen weapons
They're waiting at the Trojan Gates
As the arrow flies and Achilles falls
She stays hidden behind the door
Helen, one thousand ships sailing to war
Helen, one thousand ships sailing to war

It's funny how the story lingers
It's probably a myth of course
A whisper in the ear of Homer
Perhaps there never was a horse
She could have turned the head of Paris
With nothing more than a call for
Helen, one thousand ships sailing to war

Oh Cassandra, what did you know?
You who bring bad news wherever you go
You had the gift to see the future
From Apollo so it's told
And he made no one believe you
For you turned away so cold

Oh Cassandra, what did you see?
As you walked the lonely road of your certainty
Gazing at the ruined city
That your warnings could not save
Oh Cassandra, so still and so grave
Cassandra

The Bronze Age kingdoms tumble
The cities fade one by one
The walls of Mycenae crumble
The Dark Age has begun
And the truth is lost in the ancient dust
But the memory will ever persist
Of Helen, the face that launched a thousand ships
Helen, the face that launched a thousand ships



Worked on:
January 27, 2018

Added Verses (Collection of Extras)

Marble Halls

I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls
With vassals and serfs at my side,
And of all who assembled within those walls
That I was the hope and the pride
I had riches all too great to count
And a high ancestral name

But I also dreamt which pleased me most
That you loved me still the same,
That you loved me
You loved me still the same,
That you loved me
You loved me still the same

I dreamt that suitors sought my hand,
That knights upon bended knee
And with vows no maiden's heart could withstand,
They pledged their faith to me
And I dreamt that one of that noble host
Came forth my hand to claim.

But I also dreamt which charmed me most
That you loved me still the same
That you loved me
You loved me still the same,
That you loved me
You loved me still the same

I dreamt that I explored deep space
Upon all galaxy's path
And with forces no mortal will could withstand,
It took so long to come back
And I dreamt of newly formed suns aflame,
Which gave me worlds to claim
But I also dreamt what moved me most
That you loved me still the same
That you loved me still the same



Added verse:
Around early 2000s



Icicle

How can I escape
The force of gravity?
I feel it pulling my heart out of me
I'm pointed like a knife
That's hanging by a thread
And when I strike I wound myself instead

Clear as glass
Twice as weak
Cold is not enough to shelter me
I am an icicle
Don't watch me fall

I wish that I was strong
Impossible to break
As thick-skinned as a January lake
But sometimes ice is thin
And easy to see through
Cracking when you least expect it to

Clear as glass....

I wish that I was strong
Hidden under cover
As a fighter and not a cold lover
But sometimes ice will melt
And hard to shape with force
Burdened with winter's laws of remorse

Clear as glass
Frozen cool
Cold I will stay in suspended blue
I am an icicle
In winds of Fall



Added verse and chorus:
January 15, 2004

Why Do I Have To Live In The Universe? (Collection of Parody Lyrics)

When It Kissed The Teacher (When I Kissed The Teacher)

Everybody screamed
When it kissed the teacher
From outer space it had beamed
When it kissed the teacher
All my friends at school
We had never seen the teacher freeze
He was like a mule
He was horrified cause he was taken
For a bride

When it kissed the teacher
Couldn't quite believe our eyes
When it kissed the teacher
My whole class agape
As it planted its large green and purple
Tongue on his face
We were hysterically driven when it
Kissed the teacher

One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of it every night
One of these days
Gonna tell him it was like the Twilight Zone
Only a laugh riot

We were in a trance
When it kissed the teacher
Suddenly a weird romance
When it kissed the teacher
Hiding behind me, he was trying to escape
With Latin prayers, and some Greek
E plur'bis uma it just went and
Kissed the teacher

One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of it every night
One of these days
Gonna tell him I wake up laughing so hard
I start to cry

What a crazy day
When it kissed the teacher
We're not sure if it was gay
When it kissed the teacher

My whole class agape
As it planted its large green and purple
Tongue on his face
We were hysterically driven when it
Kissed the teacher


Worked on:
Around 2000



Funny Funny Funny (Money, Money, Money)

You sleep all night
You're awake all day
To have breakfast, sometimes coffee, okay
Because you're weird
And sometimes you drive a car
On the road instead of in the fog
That's so strange

But I will wait, I have a plan
I'll glue you to the ceiling over the fan
So you can look down at the floors
Pretend you're Dracula hiding indoors

Funny, funny, funny
You're so loony
You just baffle me
Altogether ooky
Kinda spooky
Like a transparent thing
A-ha
You try to rattle me
If an alien came in here tonight
It would get you first
It would get you first

When you go inside
You use the door
You wear a hat or something when it pours
Watch that rug!
And if you happen to watch TV
You change the channel from Name That Sneeze
You smashed my bug!

You're like Stephen King on crack cocaine
Someone who's monstrously insane
An Ace Ventura in a tank
Having mistakenly walked a plank

Funny, funny, funny
You're so loony
You just baffle me
Altogether ooky
Kinda spooky
Like a transparent thing
A-ha
You try to rattle me
If an alien came in here tonight
I would point you out

Funny, funny, funny
You're so loony
You just baffle me
Altogether ooky
Kinda spooky
Like the Addams Family
A-ha
You try to rattle me
If an alien came in here tonight
It would get you first
It would definitely get you first


Worked on:
1996



Stars Are Strange (Stars Are Blind)

I'm fancy, lots of money
Hold up the boat for me!
'Cause I do not want a monkey
From that toothy old freak

Those brutes that catch fish and stink, mostly the latter
They get drunk and almost fall overboard
Getting to Hawaii is all that should matter
But they're all out of their little goard
And I'm petrified, oh no, oh-oh

Those twinkly things up in the sky
So sparkly but they are strange
On the island there's a large guy
He's so deranged
I forget their technical name
Those sparkly things that look like jewels
Stomp icebergs to inflict foot pain
Let's see what coffee can do
I'll buy a monkey for you

Ohh, ohh, ohh

Oh look purple lightning's fun
It's always a good sign
Sailing Hell's Bucket in the sun
And icebergs that come alive

Oh I feel like a bottle of Scotch and cheese stakes
You rarely see fat-ass floating cupcakes
That spit tabacco, oh no, ohh

Those twinkly...

Gadinga pachinga
Glow-in-the-dark bowling balls
Winka kalinka
Cross town bus, UFOs
oh no, no, no

Those twinkly...

Let's see what coffee can do

Let's see what it can do (Oh)
I'll buy a monkey for you

I'll buy a monkey for you (Oh)
You (Oh)
I'll buy a monkey for you

Those twinkly things up in the sky (Oh)
So sparkly but they are strange (Oh)
Those twinkly things up in the sky (Oh)
So sparkly but they are strange (Oh)


A parody that uses the Paris Hilton track and the film Cabin Boy


Worked on:
July 8-9-10, 2010



I Don't Know (I Don't Know How To Love Him)

I don't know how to love him,
And is it any wonder?
I've been dragged, and I suspect cloned
In these endless years, when I see myself
It's like I'm someone else.

I don't know how to take this,
I need a large flame-thrower
He's a man, but something else
Like some kind of blender from the sky
Some giant blazing eye
It needs destroyed.

Should I bring him down? That'd be a good start
Should be rather nice to defeat the dark
I never thought I'd be left here, in a stupid park.

Don't think this is really funny,
I should aim a rocket missile
At your head, a good long range
Sit there, be there, you'll not see it
Coming at your face
You don't scare me.

I never thought I'd be left here, on a stupid world.

Yet, if he said he loved me,
I would know he was lying.
I tried to cope, with all this bull
They gathered heads, I got away,
Still can't get outta here
You just come here.
Yeah over here
I will kill you.


Worked on these dates:
Tue, Sep 2, 2014
Tue, Jul 14, 2015



Caveman Night (Silent Night)

Aaiee night, mancha night
All the ool, gone tonight
Round the forest, mancha does rage
Waterway leads to nearby Ice Age
Sleeping Lar, big fly on his face
He got its guts squished on his face

Tonga grunt, mancha bite
Cavemen quake at the sight
Lar hops because leg is puka
Atouk tries to have Lana for zug-zug
Sleep outside under the skies
Sleep despite mutant flies

Aaiee night, mancha fright
Harocka keeps the light
Pterodactyl hates losing its eggs
Prehistoric breakfast is great
Sleep for Tonga tossed you out
Sleep with bug-guts on your snout

"Caveman" continued...

Rainy night, cloudy night
Fire came from a lightning strike
They ate something and played some trees
Atouk saves Tala when mancha she sees
Fling a mellon on its head
Makes a pumpkin horn instead

Aaiee night, mancha fright
It steps in a hot fire
It gets its balls crushed by a stick
Then is struck, stuck and flung off of a cliff
Poor scaly dinosaur
Poor mancha is so sore

Ancient night, moonlit night
Caveman tired, of his plight
Then the first war gets underway
They make some spears with some rock and clay
Knee-deep in dinosaur dung
In a pile Lana is flung


Based on the movie Caveman


Worked on:
Around 2004
Oct 15, 2004



Magic Night (Silent Night Penn & Teller Style)

Show tonight, come tonight
Penn is there, on Teller's right
On the fringes, Christian Tort Reform
Holy shroud of polyester is torn
Upside-down poetry read
Upside-down poetry read

Show tonight, Cuban flight
Protein shakes off the coastline
Mr. Boots from the shores afar
People-cats gather and scratch the sofa
Sleep after a big bowl of milk
Sleep after viewing 'Get Killed'

Mister Penn, Teller too
Fond of pranks, dark and cool
Playing pranks, jokes and tunes galore
With seashells and weirdies on a seashore
Keep the Invisible Thread
Keep it to make aliens dead


Worked on:
Oct 15, 2004



Can't Wait All Night (Literal Video)

I've been swimming out at the beach
I'm pulling off scuba gear
And there's a horse running around
He wants to run from here

Looking to my right I say
My hair's all around my face
Peeling off scuba gear slowly
Wide shot of some scared horse
Eating some hay

Singing a song
Sing on a beach
Now horses are running through the sand today
Splashing in the waves
Riding a horse
Singing on a beach as a sailboat sails by

I can't seem to control this horse
Some macho guy is on his back porch
Now I'll ride my horse down the shore
My hair is in my eyes

Macho guy goes back inside
I hung nice curtains for a door
My living room, kite on the wall
Sitting down, I'm so bored
Yeah, forgot there's no T.V.

Wind changing course
That's some A.C.
Blowing hurricane force winds in my living room
Knocking crap over
Someone make it stop
I just don't feel like cleaning this up today

I'm sitting in a small raft
Macho guy and horse on the beach
My outfit of the day is Persian Ocean Queen
I'm jamming and rockin' on
On the beach again just chillin'
Standing up in the raft, I lost the oars oh no!

Singing a song
Sing on a beach
Walking by a beach fire at low tide in the night
My hair is too long
To keep off my face
I'm singing on the beach then I jump in the sea

Singing a song
Sing on a beach
I'm swimming in the sea or I could be drowning
But I sing a song
Rockin' and singin'
On a beach, strolling up the beach, where's my beach towel?

Riding a horse
Along the beach
Oh no something spooked the horse and it runs away
Now there's two horses
Along the beach
Two horses are running free in the sand


Worked on:
2014 & 2017



What's This Song? (Country Roads)

Alright here goes, west someplace far
Some big mountain, pretty sure there's a mountain
Where are the words? Oh cannot see them
Yonder the screen flickers, going berzerk jeez

What's this soooong? Wish I knew!
To a tune I recall!
Some state's name here
Holy mama, what's the words, it's so weird

It's chicken scratch, no, now it's blah
Wasn't there this strange cave dude in water?
Some dust bunny, painting a Monet
And folks drink some moonshine, then cry with an eye

What's this soooong?...

I've heard this song in the long lost past, it calls me
Something about a radio far away
Driving around some back road and maybe
Going to retrieve said radio, in the day?

What's this soooong? Wish I knew!
To a tune I recall!
Olivia, Newton-John, she sang this, didn't she?


Worked on:
January 2017

 

Walking In Mordor

Put on my elfin cloak and I summoned Gwaihir
Touched down in the land of the lava flows
In the middle of the eye, I fear

King Elessar, Valar, won't you look
at this stupid eye?
Yeah, it's really mad and searching
But I've got this stupid ring to fry

Then I'm walking in Mordor
Was hoping to avoid this cracked-up doom scene
Walking in Mordor
So dry it could really use Vaseline

Saw the ghost of Isildur, who was still pissed off
He said 'Where's my precious?' and rolled his eyes
Then the smoke rose and he coughed

This was weird for a ghost, being dead
He said the land's so bad
That even ghosts get choked up on ashes,
flaming rocks, and ignite just a tad

When I was walking in Mordor
I was more or less running and dodging the eye
Walking in Mordor
Sometimes I'd flash the ring just to make it cry

They got Gollum on their table
Actually, more like a rack
And screaming and cursing the nasty orcs
When he realized it fixed his back
Yeah, wow, it's really weird in Mordor

Now Mordor plagues the Marshes
Everyday and night, every full moon
I walked through that and it was dead
Wrapped in a zombie cocoon

Getting past stone watchers
I hid a lot from nazghuls
In stolen orc gear they looked at me weird
And I said, shut up spider food!

Walking in Mordor
I was walking with my feet in molten rock plains
Walking in Mordor
But the ring dissolved and no eye remains

Goodbye to Mordor
This place is so astronomically insane
Goodbye to Mordor
You really give volcanoes a bad name

Worked on:
January 14, 2022